1 Year

In 1 Year so much has happened, there have been some big changes in my life.

I am most Excited that I am now Married.  Getting Married to My Man was such a wonderful day - the happiest day of my life.  Words cannot really capture the Joy and Excitement and Love of our day on 11 April 2011.  It was such a perfect day.  What made it so perfect was being so happy and in Love - we had the biggest smiles all day.  It was also a perfect day, being surrounded by so many of our closest Family and Friends, those who we Love.  My Nieces were our Flowergirls and they looked so beautiful - it was so special having them be a part of our day.  I love my Nieces so much.  And it was very special for me having my Mum and Dad share our day.  I am so lucky to now have a wonderful Husband - who is my best friend, my everything.  I am very blessed.

And our Honeymoon was FANTASTIC!  It was so great going away together to Fiji, we just loved it!  No computers, no TV, no phones, just beautiful warm weather, relaxing days just the two of us.  Bula, Bula - everyone is so friendly.  The food was incredible, so much food - best fish I have ever tasted.  My Man loved the snorkelling, I saw this totally new side to him - he was so active and excited about going snorkelling and kayaking.  And I loved the swimming pool - as soon as I woke up I was in my swimming costume and just loved swimming in the pool.  I really loved the opportunity to relax in paradise together.  PARADISE is the word!!!

The Turtle is important in Fiji - it means goodluck.  I loved the Turtles on Treasure Island.  My life has been filled with good blessings in the last 1 Year.

And I do believe in making my own goodluck.  I am blessed that My Man came into my life and yet I do know that as soon as I became clear and conscious about what I wanted in a relationship, that I was able to be so confident that My Man was so right for me.  I also did not settle for anything less than the Vision I had for my True Love.  Finally!!! I am happy and in Love.  And the greatest realisation is that neither my Husband or I have to be perfect - we Love each other, we can grow together, we can learn and get to know all the different Parts of each other - and best of all, we are the Creators of our life together.

In the last 1 Year I have also been learning from being in my own Coaching business.  I have been Coaching for 1 Year now and now is the time for self-reflection - to look at what I have learnt and take those learnings to plan for the next 1 Year ahead.

I am happy.  It has been a wonderful 1 Year.  I am also blessed that my Mum is well and happy and healthy and we had a lovely Mother and Daughter day today.  And I always love to see my Dad, it has also been a big 1 Year for him.

It has been a big 1 Year.  Some things are not within my control - and yet I am choosing to focus on what I can control - choosing positive thoughts, letting go of worry, and very importantly taking ACTION towards my Goals - what are my Goals?  Time to set some new Goals - where do I want to be 1 Year from now?  I have learnt from the last 1 Year that I can make a difference, that I can consciously choose - now it is time to Visualise 1 Year from now and also start taking steps in that direction.

This week I plan to make time to reflect on the question on the back of my Business Card -
Ask yourself from the heart, if I could be, do or have anything I would definitely...
... Stay tuned...

Love

Love

Love

Love

Love

Love

2011!!!

2011!!!  I love the beginning of a New Year - it is such a great chance to set a Vision for the New Year - it is always a great chance for reflection and a great opportunity for excitement. 

It has been great being on holidays this week - just a chance to relax and recharge and get ready for NOW, the New Year, 2011!!!  One of my favourite things this week has been going to the Moonlight Cinema - I love being outdoors and I love movies and so it is a perfect enjoying this setting with My Man.  We watched 'Life As We Know It' - a love story with a baby, loved it, love love stories, love babies.

This week I have also loved the chance to read a novel - wow - a story - fiction.  I have always loved  reading non-fiction, self-development books - and since becoming a Coach I now read personal development books with a broader agenda, which means I am always thinking how I can apply this knowledge for myself and to help my Clients.  And so WOW - how great it feels to not think and just read a story.  I read 'The Forgotten Garden' by Kate Morton - loved it - loved it so much that I just wanted to keep reading every chance I got - and what a great way to relax.

Another highlight this week has been planning our wedding - still a lot to do - and yet we got started.  It is exciting and there is so much to do - and I feel relaxed trusting it will all come together. 

New Year's Eve was great!!!  We went to our favourite restaurant - an intimate Japanese restaurant - great food - just the two of us.  We had been invited to a party with friends and yet we also like to enjoy a quiet night together as a great way to begin the New Year.

I loved the chance to reflect on our highlights of 2010 over dinner - so many highlights - getting engaged, starting to try for our own baby, my Mum feeling healthy, my Dad bouncing back after heart surgery, starting my own Coaching Business, My Man getting a new job (his dream job), My Man's Mum enjoying a nice holiday, time with my Nieces, time with our Families, day trips, dinners out, birthday celebrations, holiday away to Nelson Bay.  For us there have been big things - and there has been much simplicity and small things being the big things.

After a lovely dinner, we enjoyed taking a walk along the beach  I really love where we live.  And then at home I loved watching a love story and watching the fireworks.  It was nice to be at home when we enjoyed the 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 Happy New Year 2011!!!  It is great to feel so at home in our home, feeling so at home in my Self, feeling so at home with another.  How many New Year's Eve nights, how many nights was I wishing I would kiss My True Love - I have always been looking for Love - and now I can stop searching - YAHOO!!!

So here we are - 2011!!!  We enjoyed a nice lunch with Family and then a nice relaxing afternoon - a perfect start to the New Year.  And how do I want this year to be for me - where do I want to be when I am sitting here on the first day of 2012 - how will I know it has been a great year?  This time next year I will be a happy wife, a Mum, we will be living in a new home, my main work will be my lifework working one on one with my Coaching Clients and also running Workshops and Group Coaching and I will be writing books.  What will not change - the most important thing to me is time with everyone I Love - Love will always be most important to me.

I love that I have my Vision Board for my Life Design in our bedroom - it is great seeing this when I wake up everyday - it is simple and it is clear - everything that is important to me.

And I love that I am in touch with my Passions and my Values.  I have these on a board that I will also post up next to my bed - so that everyday I will remember what makes me feel alive - here I am 2011!!!

This is what it reads -

What are my PASSIONS?  What Brings Me Alive?
How would I wish to spend my last day on earth? 
Actually this is how  I want to LIVE EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE...
”And these are a few of my favourite things...”

Love - Partner, Family, Friends, Clients, Love to All - I also can’t wait to be a Mum and have our own beautiful baby

God  -  Living InSpirit - Open to Inspiration, Space for the Rising of Spirit, Belief that we are all here for a Divine Purpose - I Am Here to Love and Serve

Connection - One-on-one sharing of Sacred Space, PRESENCE with another - Seeing, Honouring, Acknowledging the Light and Gifts in another - Loving and Encouraging Uniqueness and Greatness  (Unity in Diversity, Joy of Differences and Similarities, Moment-to-Moment we can Rejoice in ‘X-Factor’ in each other - one of my favourite parts of College has been enjoying and being a Witness to the AMAZING Gifts and Uniqueness in each of us - WOW,  AND Connection even when it is hard - Conscious Acceptance and  Love of What Is...)

Coaching - I am very Passionate about Coaching  and the opportunity to help Clients feel Self-Love, learn to be true to Self and feel Empowered to Create a life that Inspires and Excites them

Nature - Birds, trees, flowers, walking through the bush, floating in the ocean

Personal Development - Learning, Reading, Studying, Self-Reflection, Growth

Balance - Being/ Doing, Life/ Work, Personal/Professional, Solitude/ Intimacy - Allowing Space in my life for new interests to emerge - looking forward to enjoy time for sewing, writing, cooking, creating

Health - Self-Care Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually

Gratitude - Daily Reflection of all the beauty, wonders, miracles and Gifts in my life

Community - Feeling of Home and Belonging - Desire to Contribute - Feeling a sense of Love and Connection with others - Passionate about Encouraging Community to be Inclusive rather than Exclusive - Passionate about Contributing and being of Service Locally and Globally

Being Present - Mindfulness, Living in the Moment, Being Spontaneous and EMBRACING NOW,  Enjoying Now, Trusting the Flow.

And I find that by Being Present in 2011 I am able to enjoy the Gifts of every day.  Today when I am glancing out the window I am so Grateful for the Frangipani Tree that I can see - the flowers are beautiful - a Gift from God, and I have such great thanks.

And now I am so Grateful that I can make a nice cup of peppermint tea and relax with my Man.

To 2011 - to making every day a great day living a Passionate life.  To making dreams come true.  To being Me.  And so important is to Love and Serve - to live my life on Purpose - to Spread The Yellow.

2011!!!  I am ready.

A Walk in the Neighborhood

I was out for a walk in the neighborhood the other day, not on my way to the library or Mettina for lunch, just a walk. I heard the raised voices about a block away -- a couple arguing. The tones sounded young, not unlikely living as close as I do to the university. Another eruption -- voices of vituperation, but I would be beyond their vortex in about a minute and out of earshot in one or two more. They were really no more annoying than the diesel belching recycling trucks.

Then she shot out the front door, down the steps, trailing a string of accusations. She whirled on the sidewalk and stared back at the house. He swung open they screen door and hurled a one word invective. "Bitch!"

The word must have stung, she backed across the sidewalk to the grassy apron before the street. I was only thirty feet from her and now I would be walking between the young combatants. Clearly it was just a lover's spat, no firearms, probably no real offense; but I was either going to awkwardly detour around her into the street or just walk on directly through the demilitarized zone. 

I walk straight through, only three feet from her. I felt the tension but no hate, nothing real just a lover's quarrel, they would be back in the same bed tonight or sooner. She sat down on the strip of apron grass as I passed and I heard her tears begin. A few steps later I was about to cross the property line and be officially beyond the tableau, when I sensed a question. I slowed but did not stop and turned to the young man on the porch. Certainly he could have spit out a "what are you looking at" but he quietly said: "What would you do?"

I pointed at the porch, "I'd sit down on the steps and breathe a bit."

As he folded his lanky body down, my walk continued through the neighborhood and I wondered why those recycling trucks were not converted to solar.

How Do You Mend?

[Content Disclosure: 0% Poker, 0.3% The Book, . . . 99% other things like love and loss]
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"Eventually time passed and had its way with him; not so much a matter of forgetting as of bleaching, or numbing. We look at the past through the wrong end of the telescope, he thought one day; eventually the things we can see in there become simply too small to hurt us." --Kim Stanley Robinson

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I like the word bleaching as used here. The slow inexorable loss of color and vitality. When it comes to matters of love or more specifically love lost--the emotion drains away like it is being bleached by time. You can conjure the pain or the sense of loss almost endless, until you can't. Eventually you pick at the scab and find it is gone and the new smooth skin heals. But does the heart callous?

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I am not so fond of the image of looking at the past through the wrong end of a telescope. In fact, like Sartre, I think we can alter our past by acting in the present. One man's poison is another man's bread (from my formative years working in the pharmacy). What was once evil may become light as wisdom and experience build but you have to be alert for what is new growth and what is scar tissue.

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One wonders about reanimating the bleached dessicated memories and should be warned against it despite the siren lure of once again into the crotch of the beast. What is that writing competition where the winner strings together endless disembodied imagries? And what is the 96th most popular Biography on Amazon.com right now?

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The sodden, somber silence of the what-might-have-been.

"Lost chances."

"Right, The fate of chance."

"Some fate is character."

"Sure, But most fate is fate. It's what picks you up and carries you off. Who you meet by accident, what happens--what you feel inside, no matter what you think. And it affects everything. Everything! Every thing. People argue about politics, and policy, the reasons why people did this or that--but it's always the personal stuff that mattered."

"It's always the stuff they don't write about. The stuff they can't write about. The look in someone's eye."

"Right, the way something catches you..."

"The way it carries you away."

"Like falling in love. Whatever the hell that means."

"That's it, sure. Falling in love, being loved back--"

"Or not."

"Right, or not! And everything changes."

"Everything."

"And no one knows why! And later on, or from anywhere on the outside, they look at your story and they say that story makes no sense."

"When if you only knew--"

"Then it would make sense."

"Yes. Perfect sense."

"It would be the story of the heart, every time."

"A history of emotions, If you could do it."

"It would be the heart's story." --Kim Stanley Robinson

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I gotta learn to write like that.

Olde Friends

[Content Disclosure: Relationships, Love, Marriage, Life and General Human-like Goofiness]

I'll wait for you

And should I fall behind

Wait for me

Springstein

I have these two friends. I met them in 1971 when they were a new couple. They did typical 20 year old kid stuff, like arguing about nothing and fighting about air. He slept on my couch half a dozen times when he couldn't or wouldn't go home. I was at their wedding in 1975 but turned down any official position in the wedding party. I thought I might be needed to referee.

They moved. I moved. Diana visited me in Hermosa Beach in 1985, a couple of years after their divorce. She was older, wiser and still had no clue why she and Paul were either at each others throats or genitals with nothing in between. She had always been the stable one in those early years, at least that was my perspective, but then again, she never got booted to my divan.

I saw Paul several times in the 90s, he had a new wife and then he didn't. But in both cases he talked about Diana. I heard they made an abbreviated attempt at round two or round seven right around the millennium and apparently had a major shouting drama at a fund raiser for the Cleveland Art Museum, complete with thrown champagne.

My point?

I got an invitation to their re-marriage coming this June. Fortunately, I have other commitments that month and this year and for the next decade but I am considering a new sofa. I think it is only fair for aging friends to have a more comfortable place for olde love warriors to fall.

Emotional Drive-By

[Content Disclosure: 55% Life; 38% Memories; 19% Lust; 9% Love; 7% Long Forgotten Pain; Stir in a bit of Nostalgia and a Smidgen of Insight; .5% Poker]

When you live in Las Vegas, a lot of old friends come to town for meetings, conventions, trade shows and junkets. I have several variations of my "guided tour" depending on how worldly my old chums are these days. At the end of one such visit this fall, I found myself upwind from a cigar on the balcony of a garden suite at one of more elegant hotels on the Strip. Yes, some of my old college friends have done right well in the world of corporate America and some of the perks are quite interesting for an evening. The client's expense account had paid for a very nice dinner after which I had given my high end poker tour (Venetian & Bellagio). We even did and interior drop by in Bobby's Room as I had to bug one of the players about a interview we had been putting off.

Later on the balcony my college buddy and I were discussing olde thymes and olde friends, when Steve said: "Tell me again about your crazy girlfriend."

"Well Chris wasn't really crazy." I remembered that Steve had been around a few times when I was with Chris in the 70's.

"No not Chris, your actually crazy girlfriend."

Oh, right Steve had never met Barbie, but at some long ago college reunion, the boys had stayed up late on another balcony of that bed and breakfast in Kalamazoo and told tales of our lives since graduation. I had told of a Barbie weekend in Los Angeles with the drugs, the overtly sexual Sunset Blvd. excursion and the broken picture window at the Coldwater Canyon house.

"I have the impression you are not looking to hear just another love/war story, what is it you are asking me? You got a crazy person in your life Steve?"

"As a matter of fact I do. And you are the guy with the Ph.D. in psychology and some experience with crazy women, so how about serving up a side of insight for me."

I remember a very similar talk Steve and I had forty years ago on that big front porch of Harmon Hall. Older and wiser, we thought we were, but still having late night dorm room conversations about life and women. Some things really never change, just the cost of the balcony.

As it turns out, Steve's crazy woman had been running an African photo safari compound for the past ten years, so it had been email only for a long time. But she was back again and too close for comfort to his fully functional life in Atlanta. While he finished his cigar and we both emptied several bottles of wine, I gave what clinical advice as I could and we judiciously did not see the sun rise over the Strip. But that night has been rolling around in my psyche since then and I have come up with the highly theoretical and anecdotally tested construct of the Emotional Drive-By.

Ladies please feel free to reverse the gender roles in this theory, it works equally well with crazy boyfriends.

The Emotional Drive-By consists of an ex-lover dipping themselves into your life, yet again! The essential symptoms include most if not all of the following:
-they are not staying, this is not an attempt at permanence nor reconciliation;
-they are adventure addicts, action junkies and/or lost souls;
-you can't save them and they will harm you;
-you know that re-involvement is a mistake; yet often that knowledge does not translate into rational behavior;
-the entire encounter is overwhelmingly seductive;
-the moment they are gone again, you look at yourself in the mirror again and ask: "Why did I do that...again?"

If all of the above makes completely rational sense to you, I am sorry because none of the above will do you any good since this is not and never was a rational relationship.

You have several choices: Don't take the phone call, no really, don't take the call. I know, I know but the other option is to store up better emotional bandages than you had back then and carve out some time in our life for yet another emotional recovery. Its always a balance between the chaos in your life after she is gone and the junkie release you get while he is there.

For those who find this scenario way too familiar; my deepest, most insightful clinical advice is: Run Away!

Please pay the receptionist on the way out, remember I have a therapist who costs me a lot more than I charge you. And good night Barbie, wherever you are.